The Game of Snaps

i shall write it out to shake it off.

so maybe a couple or three weeks ago, i decided to become a school guidance counselor.  i researched courses in mason and came out with a non-GRE required program for school counseling.  it seems everything fits but lately my stomach has been churning in terms of if this is the right path and will i or will i not be wasting time and money.  this whole process is a risk that needs further examination in terms of how it will affect work and my ability to move out by summer this year.  entering 2010, i feel like i have so many goals that on the third day of the year i already feel overwhelmed.  school is important as it will definitely lead me in the direction i want to go but there’s a part of me that wants to be more adventurous and not follow the standard NOVA life (which is working and going to school in mason and pretty much just staying in nova for a longer period of time than expected.  this is not to say it is a real standard, this is my view.)  i want out of this town/city/suburb/whatever.  i want to explore…it’s almost as if all i’m interested in is being a tourist with my handy dslr and just live in the moment.  i didn’t live in italy but looking back i appreciate the whole experience.  i think it made me grow as a person.  i guess i’m just fearful of being stagnant.  by going through this grad school program, i will have to settle in being in NOVA for longer, being at a job that’s ehhh, and possibly have a routine life that will be hard to get out of once i’m done with the program (assuming i get in and i actually apply soon).

i hate second guessing myself but it’s what i’m most good at.  it’s also the thing that hinders me from doing so many things i want to do, yet it’s good to view a situation at all points and think of the consequences and its effects to the people around me.

pros about school:
-sooner arrive at the job that brings me fulfillment
-getting it done and over before 30
-i would have something else to do besides work, sleep, and eat
-education’s always good
-a goal.

cons about school:
-cost
-doubts if this is what i really want (since my interest range from photography to media publishing to school counseling, what i want TRULY still feels up in the air)
-less time for fun i.e. chillen with friends/coworkers, traveling, spontaneous things
-overworking/stress

i feel like i need more time to sort things out.

aghhh.  i hope i wake up tomorrow because from what it seems like right now, i probably won’t be able to sleep for awhile -_-.

i just keep messing up -_-.

ugh nothing in my life could not not go wrong.  it’s really sad when you realize you are the one holding yourself back.

there are nights when i’m so pissed that i don’t give a sh*t about anything.

this is one of those nights.

So over the weekend, I went back down to UVA to watch Barrio Fiesta 2009.  There was something about UVA that brought out excitement, sadness, pride, bliss, frustration, and more.  I think what made it all the more special was the title: Pinagtagpo - Brought Together.  I’ve never felt such a powerful emotion, besides graduation, where I was so happy.  It was like as if I went back in time-got to hang out with people I used to hang out with, stay up way past bedtime, know that you can go somewhere else at said time and know someone else is awake, eat Cville food, and feel disconnected from the real world (as in I felt like I had nothing to worry about besides being in the moment).  I wished I was in the shoes of the 09ers.  I was so proud of them!  Amazing dance and slideshow guys!  I really felt what you wanted to say—you had the time of your lives.  I look back on my class dances and my heart just really wants to be back in that moment.  I guess the best thing out of this is that no one can take those memories away from you or those involved.  We can’t always dance but my heart does for OYFA memories.  I have met the most wonderful people, learned the hardest lessons, and become the woman I am today thanks to the past four years.

With that, I can’t believe I’ve been out of college for nearly a year.  A YEAR!  A year filled with travel, unemployment/idle times, and a transition that seems to a little too long.  I am still not used to it.  I don’t know how to get used to it.  I keep wanting things the way they used to be and still can’t face the fact that it can’t.  I try to keep in touch, send random hi’s, go out to dinner, but nothing can really feel like how it used to be.  I miss the roommate movie nights.  I miss the roommate holiday celebrations.  I miss having to wake up Sam in the morning and her not waking up on time.  I miss Felice’s orange scented thingamajig.  I miss beerpong on a bedspring.  I miss making sugar Spam after drinking.  I miss mine and Ailene’s walk to the bus stop in the morning.  I miss choreographing cultural dances (with Krizia or Joanna).  I missing saying hi to people as I go to class or accidentally bumping into them and eventually walking with them to wherever.  I actually miss dining hall food…ok wait maybe not =P.  Just little things like those that I used to do is what I miss most.  The most I’ve done being at home is probably writing this post.

I know I need to do more with my life back at home.  I have started volunteering with kids in public housing.  Kinda makes up for the fact that I don’t work for a non-profit or teach kids at church like I used to.  I started going to the gym (as of yesterday and it continues today and hopefully forever).  It kinda feels like another thing I do besides work and go home.  Being social in this real world has become so hard for me.  I’ve become a self-conscious, overthinking, and passive person.  My social butterfly wings have become temporarily broken and bruised by the strong winds of the Real World.  I guess in time I’ll gain the confidence back and have the strength to face the wind, especially when the wind always goes against me.

Anyway, I am rambling but those are my thoughts of the past weekend.  To sum up, I miss college…A LOT.

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April Fools Day Update:

I have successfully tricked possibly half my office.  I put the sticky part of the Post-It under some poeple’s optical mice so it wouldn’t work.  I also put a sign that said “Goodies in the Breakroom”, even though there was none but a note that said “APRIL FOOLS =P”.  Though they retaliated, I still won and I had lots of fun.  It’s good to be a receptionist because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t pull an office-wide prank =P.

Happy April Fools!

I am sick and tired of being kept at home with a stupid ass curfew of midnight.  You all probably have heard me complain in some form or fashion but it’s the biggest thing that ticks me when I’m home.  Yea I know I have to suck it up but it still affects me in a way that it makes me feel so vulnerable.  I’ve already missed out a lot of things young people do because of these stupid rules and now that I’m 22, I feel that I’m old enough to make decisions despite the fact the intentions of others are unknown.  I just can’t bare it anymore that they don’t trust me.  Some say it’s because they don’t trust those around me, but it just really comes down to me.  If they did trust me, they would believe I can do it.  I mean they let me go out and about when I go to CVILLE or VA BEACH.  What is the freaking difference?  Would it be actually safer when I’m home cuz at least they know I come back?  I don’t know…and when I complain to people, they look at me with shock because 1. midnight is ridiculous and 2. I’m 22 and seem not able to do anything about it.  I’d fight more but I just know it won’t go anywhere.  So here I am in my room just sulking on this potentially good holiday.  I just hate missing out on things, I hate not having fun, I hate being miserable in this stupid house full of grown ups who don’t really get me.  I’m not just complaining about tonight, there have been other nights like this and I’ve kept it all inside or paid the price by missing a following event and it’s just f*ed up.  I could lie and say I’m going someplace else where they think it’s safe but I just really want them to see, realize, and accept that I am old enough and I can handle what’s out there.  God knows that I’ve experienced other things in college that they don’t know about but here I stand, safe, because I’m smart and I surround myself with people I know and trust.  I JUST DON’T GET IT.  I did everything right, right?  It’s ridiculous—you know it, I know it.  What is there left to do?  I think I’ve run out of options unless I permanently move out of this damn house.  Funny though how I thought it would change after high school…it’s remarkably the same.  It’s like being punished for wanting to be young.